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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23601772">what it was that made you strong &amp; what it was that made you weak</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisiya/pseuds/denisiya'>denisiya</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Downton Abbey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Friendship, Gen, Sad with a Happy Ending, a little bit gay...</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 01:07:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,437</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23601772</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/denisiya/pseuds/denisiya</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jimmy has to leave, and Thomas doesn't have any strength to pretend "normal" to the new kitchen maid.<br/>But what if he doesn't have to?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Thomas Barrow &amp; Jimmy Kent, Thomas Barrow &amp; Original Female Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>32</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi! Few things you need to know before reading this:<br/>- It's my first fic ever, so I'm kinda nervous:^<br/>- It's not long after Ivy had left and a few weeks before this Anstruther-disaster had happened. It's not a huge spoiler - Jimmy is going to leave at the beginning of the work(so it's not a Thommy fic), but everything after that would be different from the series' script<br/>- this is a story about Thomas trying to understand himself and others with a little help<br/>- English is not my native language, I'm in the process of studying. Also, I didn't find some historical information, so every mistake here is mine.<br/>- The title is from "Obsessions" by Marina<br/>- Hope you'll enjoy it!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Thomas didn’t know how he felt about Alfred and Ivy leaving. Footman - well, a chef in training -  is a bit boring, not to mention this poor kitchen maid. But he secretly enjoyed having discussions or card games in a company of young people. Not like he is old, but he certainly felt himself like a part of some happy circle of ‘friends’  having them around. The other part of the servants was fine, but sometimes he thought he becomes an elderly with them; like the brightest (if there were any) part of his life is passing by. Anyway, why does it bother him?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He has Jimmy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They spent almost every evening together, but somehow a theme to talk was always there. Cards, piano, walks, newspapers - it was so much better with a friend. Sometimes Thomas had this silly smile when he was thinking about his happiness: “</span>
  <em>
    <span>I have a friend. My best friend, who is always there for me, who enjoys my company</span>
  </em>
  <span>”.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas was tiding his room in a rush. He expected Jimmy to come and try his new whisky. He didn’t quite know why he was doing this every time they decided to be in his room. He was almost alright with the fact that there is nothing but friendship between them; he taught himself to throw away all of these thoughts that were in his head late at night. But a little cleaning won’t do any harm, besides there was time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Knock at the door wasn’t necessary, everything was planned. Maybe it was sort of a habit that actually made a trick: Thomas noticed that he smiles a little when he hears it, even if it has nothing to do with Jimmy. </span>
</p><p>        “God loves me, did you know that?” </p><p>
  <span>‘</span>
  <em>
    <span>Not sure about me’ </span>
  </em>
  <span>- Thomas didn’t dare to say that. Jimmy gave him two glasses that he took from the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>        “I’ve heard rumours,” he said instead. “Good news?”</p><p>
  <span>“Something like that,” Jimmy mumbled, trying to lit his cigarette. Thomas felt guilty sometimes because Jimmy didn’t smoke until a while ago. “But let’s fill our glasses first.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He settled on the chair and looked more like an owner of the Downton than a member of staff, especially when Thomas carefully handed him the glass of a strong liquid.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“So what is it?” Thomas asked because he couldn’t look at this daft grinning face anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“As you know, I went to the kitchen to get glasses. I waited for so long, just to be sure the hall was empty,” he made a pause. “Of course, I was caught right with these two in my hands. But Mrs.Patmore didn’t sound angry and I found out why when I turned around to see her. She wasn’t alone there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No way she brought some poor man, I don’t bel-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, it wasn’t a man,” Jimmy trailed off. “It was a girl.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And just like that Thomas’ mood was ruined. Obviously, he wasn’t going to show this.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty?” he pretended to be curious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not my type, but I felt something. She didn’t say a word, but it turned out that she will be working here. So I have plenty of time to show her my interesting personality.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, then you should keep silent,” Thomas laughed. Jimmy rolled his eyes but laughed too. “Kitchen maid?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy nodded taking a sip.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“At least Daisy will have someone to talk to,” Thomas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You care about Daisy?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Don’t know. Never thought about that,” Thomas said softly. He wasn’t proud of his actions in the past towards her. They were never awfully close, but he definitely respected her. “I guess she deserves something better than spending her youth under this roof with Mrs.Patmore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, same for this new girl. She seemed tired already,” Jimmy lowered his eyes for some reason. He chuckled after that. “Tomorrow I’ll make her laugh and smile though.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Later that night Thomas tried his best not to let sharp feelings hurt his heart. Jimmy will find someone anyway, he shouldn’t be surprised. He will never wish Jimmy a lonely life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can be happy for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He fell asleep being a good friend. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Princesses are always slowly going down the stairs. Grace in every move. Their princes are waiting to take them by their hand and go dancing the waltz. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas wasn’t particularly graceful, and Mrs.Patmore didn’t want to dance with him, but she was waiting for him downstairs. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Good morning?” he said a bit confused.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Indeed, Mr.Barrow,” she said seriously. “Would you like to follow me?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Like I have a choice.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>They came to the kitchen and she pointed at the sink. He saw two glasses there. How could he be in love with a dolt who can’t even get rid of the evidence?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sure James can count, so the second glass was supposed to be given to someone,” she said and looked at him like he was a child in a trouble. “I just want you to wash them, Mr.Barrow. Is that alright?” of course, that was a rhetorical question. She smiled, turned around and went out of the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Perfectly, Mrs.Patmore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He couldn’t believe that he would wash the dishes at cook’s request, being an under-butler. But he rolled his sleeves because there would be more troubles if he wouldn’t do that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You must be naughty.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The unfamiliar voice made him jump: he thought he was alone in the room.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Naughty?” he asked bewildered. He turned around and saw a young girl in a dirty apron.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>“I’ve never seen a man near a sink,” she said smugly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Miracles happen,” he said irritably. “You must be a new one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re right. My na-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Margot. Margot - a breath of fresh air in this dark basement - Mason,” Jimmy was already there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Interesting middle name, Margot,” Thomas joked stone-faced. He didn’t like people who tried to have fun about him, so she won’t be an excuse. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>However, she wasn’t in the kitchen at the next moment as everyone heard loud Mrs.Patmore’s voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you think? She has something that caught my eye,” Jimmy said and looked at Thomas waiting for his opinion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“She has her wit,” Thomas replied thinking. She’s not simple for sure. “but I think you could do better.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Not like a have many options here,” Jimmy said looking around the room. “She’s waiting for the first move: she grinned when I complimented her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, I thought that was after my joke about your poor compliment,” Thomas said half-serious. That was true, but he didn’t really want to upset Jimmy. Fortunately, footman smiled and playfully pushed Thomas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No, she thinks that I’m funny, I tell you.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas smiled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Of course she does,” he said softly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy went out of the room, and under-butler continued washing glasses. Footman seemed interested in this girl, and Thomas decided to support him. He was happy to feel calm about all of this. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Oh, Mr.Barrow!” Mrs.Patmore said as she entered the room with a girl. “You look quite good over there.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your maids should worry, I may take their places, Mrs.Patmore,” he said with a little laugh. She grinned, and he was glad.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Margot giggled.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What's so nice about this girl?</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>a lot of Thomas' thoughts. This chapter is a bit sad (a few chapters will be sad, too, but don't worry), but it's important.<br/>xoxo</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>       “Margot, tomorrow I’ll need you to clean all these jars!” Daisy shouted from the kitchen.</p><p>       “She hates me,” Margot sighed and poured tea into Jimmy’s cup.</p><p>       “She doesn’t,” he said. “It’s just your last name.”</p><p>       “What about it? Isn’t it funny that we have similar last names?”</p><p>       “She won’t be mad for a long time,” Thomas had to defend Daisy from her. Besides, he knew the reason why Daisy acted grumpily.</p><p>       “You shouldn’t worry about that,” Jimmy said and looked straight in her eyes. Flirt, definitely. “It’s not a big loss, others adore you.”</p><p>Thomas felt like he was looking in a mirror. He saw himself: wasn’t he acting the same few years ago? He remembered the way he talked to Jimmy, the way he looked at him. But he <em> was </em> in love, it was different. Jimmy just pretends interested to get what he wants, such feelings are not something he’s looking for. </p><p>But something was weird: this girl wasn’t even interested. She could talk to both of them without feeling nervous, without a tremble in her hands or a bit shaking voice. She was confident as if she was talking to her best friends. In fact, she acted like that with everyone. It was surprising because he imagined she’d be a bit different.</p><p>More like Ivy - pretty, but silly and naive. Margot was older (19 or 20: he didn’t care); it felt like she was experienced in life. She never talked about blue sky and birds, she didn’t even talk about herself: Jimmy’d asked her about school and family for a few times, but she either gave an unclear answer, or the bells suddenly rang. </p><p>Thomas knew why Jimmy liked her. Her blonde hair was strangely cut to the shoulders, bright eyes, small height. It was charming even though she had really thin lips, strict dark eyebrows and, perhaps, she was even paler than Thomas. </p><p>He hated to admit it, but he liked her as a person. She was always with her head held high, she did her work perfectly and she could make other maids do what she needed. She had her sense of humour and understood sarcasm. </p><p>Perhaps, she was just perfect for Jimmy.</p><p>And that was why Thomas hated to admit that she had a lot of good sides. He knew he didn’t have any rights to jealous, so he tried not to. But it seemed like this girl was the only thing Jimmy cared about. Thomas tried not to think that Jimmy would abandon him just to spend some time with her. </p><p>But, of course, Jimmy wouldn’t do that, would he? Thomas and Jimmy were always given the same half-days off; they happen quite rare, so Jimmy will never waste his day off on some unworthy girl. </p><p>In a few days, they both will have a free evening and Thomas had seen the poster of one of Romain Rolland’s dramas, so he wanted to invite Jimmy to watch this play in the theatre. <em> “It’s better to ask him now, before he ran away with Margot,” </em>Thomas thought.</p><p> </p><p>       “I’ve heard that Rolland’s play will be on Ripon’s small scene in a few days,” he said quietly, so Jimmy would be the only one to hear it.</p><p>       “You’re such a great pal, Thomas, thank you!” Jimmy whispered. Thomas felt proud of himself: he definitely won Jimmy’s attention now. “Margot, would you like to go to the theatre with me in a few days?”</p><p>       “Depends on what is going to be played,” she replied without looking up from the plate with a bread that she’d brought from the kitchen. Before Jimmy could say a word, she had already been gone back to the kitchen.</p><p>       “She’s going to play with me, that’s what,” Jimmy quietly answered her. He got up from his chair and went out to have a cigarette. </p><p> </p><p>Usually, they smoked together, but Thomas didn’t want at this time. It would be too hard for him to hide his disappointment. After a few silent moments, he heard Jimmy:</p><p>       “Are you coming? I’ve lost my lighter,” he said.</p><p>       “I..” Thomas sighed. “I have some work to do. Just take mine, here.” </p><p>He put his lighter on a table without looking at anyone and hurried to walk out of the room. He stopped when he was behind the entrance to the servant’s hall. He had this stupid feeling as if the air was sucked out of his lungs. Thomas needed to take a few deep breathes before taking next steps.</p><p>When he looked up, he saw her there. She stood in a few metres from him and just looked at him. </p><p>He felt disgusted: with her and with himself, actually.  </p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>       He wasn’t fine after spending the rest of the day without Jimmy. Nothing happened between them, footman didn’t even know that something was wrong. So Thomas decided that it wasn’t anyone’s fault. People fall in love, it doesn’t always break friendship with others, so everything will be fine. </p><p>Before he started to undressing, there was a knock at his door. </p><p>       “Hey,” Jimmy said as if this day wasn’t different from the others. </p><p>Thomas felt a relief: they still had their evenings together and Jimmy wanted to spend them with him. He smiled, opened the door and stepped back, so Jimmy could walk in the room.</p><p>       “Oh, no, I’m a bit tired, sorry,” Jimmy suddenly said and put the hand in his pocket. “I just wanted to give it back.”</p><p>And he held Thomas’ lighter. Under-butler slowly took it and stared at the floor.</p><p>       “Well. Good night, then,” Jimmy said with a half-smile and walked away.</p><p>***</p><p>           </p><p> </p><p>Thomas went downstairs: he needed a smoke. </p><p>When he almost reached the outside door, he was called:</p><p>       “Mr.Barrow?”</p><p>Whatever she needed, he couldn’t show his real emotions. She was just another girl; being bad to her wouldn’t do anything helpful, Jimmy might take her side.</p><p>       “That’s me,” he said and looked straight in her eyes. She stood with a cup that she was wiping with a cloth.</p><p>       “Do you want to be a butler here?”. No emotion. She was unreadable. </p><p>       “Uhm. What’s it to you?” he was confused by this question. What would she do with such information?</p><p>       “Just curious. Not many people want to work in service, but once they’re here, they want to be “the main servant”. It seems funny to me.” She raised the corner of her mouth.</p><p>He chuckled and turned towards the door.</p><p>       “Why Daisy doesn’t like my last name?” she asked finally. So <em>that </em>was why she caught him.</p><p>He still liked Daisy more, so:</p><p>       “There was a footman here. William Mason. He died during the war,” he said quietly. <em> Another reason to regret things tonight. </em></p><p>       “Oh.”</p><p>       “Yeah”</p><p>       “Okay, right,”. Was that the first time she was embarrassed? <em> So she is human. </em> “See you tomorrow.”</p><p>They separated their ways. He wasn't angry at her. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Have a good time during all this quarantine, guys :3<br/>(meow)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Thomas tells Jimmy how he feels. Jimmy understands.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Jimmy always took a seat to Thomas’ right, so he sat closer to their favourite bread, that Mrs.Patmore makes every Friday. And that was why he passed the plate with fresh and fragrant bread every time. That became their unspoken little ritual. There were a thousand different associations: from fresh-baked Christmas’  sweets to some “family dreams”. It just seemed so domestic to him, he felt like he was in a light warm room with such a nice aroma, he couldn’t help letting few nice thoughts fill his head.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But Jimmy forgot. He didn’t even take it himself, he was a little caught up in his world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “Would you pass me the bread, please?” Thomas said with his usual normal tone. Footman looked like he just woke up.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Here you are,” he said with a smile. Was it genuine? “I’ll come today as always, alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “No need to ask,” he replied with relief, taking a bite of the most delicious thing in the whole world.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas wasn’t prepared: Jimmy was the one who suggested to come, after all. He decided to read and smoke because they didn’t make an agreement about the time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The footman opened the door without a knock and his eyes met Thomas’ only as he settled on the chair. He looked overwhelmed, his hand was on the back of his neck.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “What happened?” under-butler asked and put his book away.</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy was blushing; he squeezed his eyes.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “I think..” he made a pause. “Christ, that’s bloody embarrassing.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m all ears, then,” Thomas said, trying to comfort him with humour.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m just going to say it, okay. I think I’m falling for her.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thomas just chuckled. What could Jimmy possibly know about that? There is no “I think”, if he has feelings. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>      “You’ve only known her for a week,” he said like footman was a little kid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “I’ve just invited her to the theatre,” he said and lit his cigarette. “She asked me about the play, again. I told her this and that.” Thomas could even laugh. This young girl knew how to behave: she refused to go until the proper invitation, even though play title or author’s name wouldn’t make any sense to her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “To make the long story short, she asked me a few questions about the author, his works and all that. God, I even mispronounced something. She refused. I have no idea what to do now.” </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Thomas was impressed with her but mad at the same time. He didn’t even know what to say: he didn’t want to take place in this conversation, but he had to help somehow. Every advice would be poor, even unwanted from both sides, actually.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>      “Forget about it,” Jimmy sighed. “I’ll get over, I think. Perhaps, we should watch this play, don’t you think? It’s going to be your day off, too, as I remember.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>And that moment supposed to be happy, because Jimmy wanted to have a walk, and chats, and theatre, and, maybe, even a few pints </span>
  <em>
    <span>together</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but Thomas felt sick. </span>
  <em>
    <span>That’s it, I’m in second place. Would have been just a matter of time. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “Hey, what’s wrong?” Jimmy asked with his worried voice and leaned in just a little, because Thomas looked away and kept silent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You can’t just invite me like that, Jimmy” Thomas said bitterly. He stood up and walked towards the window: they were about to have </span>
  <em>
    <span>that</span>
  </em>
  <span> conversation, so Jimmy had no right to see his pale and unhappy face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The footman stood up as well but stayed behind. None of them was ready to talk about their mood or feelings. It was rare for them to share such depths of themselves. There was no sense in wasting time together on talking about bad things.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>        “Jealousy?”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jimmy didn’t sound like he was blaming, quite on the contrary. He was calm and, obviously,  tried to be careful with his words.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “No,” Thomas answered in the same manner. “I don’t want to be anyone’s safety school, when you have your plans ruined, that’s all.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was so hard for him to say every word. One wrong step, and he could just scare Jimmy away. He couldn’t say anything real: that would sound inappropriate anyway, like there is some double meaning. Why Jimmy wouldn’t choose </span>
  <em>
    <span>her</span>
  </em>
  <span> against him?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>        “Well, you are not,” he </span>
  <span>shook the ashes from a cigarette into an ashtray. “I’m sorry you felt that way.”</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas heard the door cracked open, but he didn’t move. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>        “We’re okay, Thomas. Nothing has changed,” Jimmy said from somewhere away. “Have a good night.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>There were just a few people, who could credit Jimmy with intellect or empathy. Most of the staff thought he was empty, superficial and a hypocritical. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas always knew, they were mistaken. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were okay, as Jimmy said. Thomas observed their conversation and understood, how smart Jimmy was in reality.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He said a couple of words, they were all right; he left the room, before Thomas could blurt out words that he would have regret later. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Next week both of them were the same, like nothing has happened or could have happened. Thomas felt guilty, because Jimmy didn’t mention Margot even once. He felt guilty for making such a drama out of all this situation and for almost asking Jimmy not to talk about things that bothered him. He saw himself as a child who’d cried and screamed, and then was given back his candy. However, everything looked satisfying.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe, Jimmy stopped trying to fill Thomas’ head with details about Margot, because she had turned him down. He didn’t tell Thomas about it - Thomas heard it himself. He’d forgotten his lighter somewhere, but instead of looking for it downstairs, he caught two of them in the kitchen at a late hour. He heard only whispers:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “I would really like to be your friend, but I’m sorry for not giving you what you want,” she said it like a mother who was trying to soothe her son. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Jimmy ate badly after that and was silent mostly. Thomas didn’t try to make him talk or anything, but he stayed with him every time no one was around. They were doing their own things, but he thought, Jimmy wouldn’t feel lonely that way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>On the next week, Margot slowly tried to be included in their late talks, and they accepted her. It was stupid to deny, that she perfectly matched them. Things were improving.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>And that was why no one was ready for a sudden Lady </span>
  <span>Anstruther's</span>
  <span> letter.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked it :)<br/>And yeah, the next chapter will be tough, because of a guest.<br/>~Have a good time ~</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Proper goodbyes &amp; too much attention.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>       “I’m afraid, I would like to keep this information to myself. It’s not like I don’t trust you, Carson, you know that, but it’s something that others would easily read from your face. Undoubtedly, you’d agree with me in that case, so that’s my final decision: James has to be gone by afternoon. You’re free to give him a good reference, I don’t want to ruin the future of a young fellow, but he should have a head on his shoulders, so it’s up to you.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “I have no doubts in your opinion, but is it...well, are you sure, my lord? James was quite helpful lately, he has become a good worker. Has he done something unpleasant, if his withdrawal is so necessary?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “That’s what has to be done, Carson, even if it’s never easy. Even after tonight’s events.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “I see, my lord. I’d better inform James now.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “Right.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thomas was standing just around the corner and heard every word. All this speech was gentle and calm, but the phrases were so sharp. Both men sounded like hypocrites: “we are sorry, but it has to be done, so will do it anyway.”. Perhaps, he could convince them that it was his fault and help Jimmy, but he wouldn’t do that. Love is love, but his work is important.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “Ah, Barrow, I was just thinking about you!” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Thomas felt his hand being taken between the firm grasp of other’s palms. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>      “There are no words to describe my gratitude, Barrow, you were so brave and strong to…”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>He heard everything, but he wasn’t listening. He saw Jimmy leaning against the wall with a blanket around his shoulders and cigarette between his fingers. Then he saw Carson coming to Jimmy, and it was clear that footman wasn’t surprised. Eyes on the cigarette, nod, sigh, another nod. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jimmy went inside, Carson turned around to continue talking to workers and offering help, but for a few seconds he caught Thomas’ gaze. Thomas looked away when he understood his mistake, but Carson wasn’t a fool and must have understood everything or made guesses. At least, his facial expression looked like it.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “...you need a rest now, how it seems.” Lord Grantham said. Ah, yes, they were having a conversation.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “My lord?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “Goodness, Barrow, you seem to be somewhere else after all of this. You sure, you haven’t breathed too much smoke?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “No, my lord, everything was just a little…” he tried to find decent words. “...exhausting.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “I believe so. You deserve a good nap now, Barrow, off you go.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “Thank you, your lordship.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. He kept blaming himself, even though he knew he did the right thing. He could’ve shouted out Jimmy first and rush to help Lady Edith after that. Or save her and leave somewhere near. Or go to Jimmy with her. But all was done. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>       “You’re a great pal.” </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>There was no choice, but Thomas was the one to take responsibility. He offered help, guided Jimmy there, promised to warn him. Jimmy must have felt betrayed. Perhaps, he thought that Thomas had left because of the fire. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There were no tears, just anxiety; he wasn’t sure whether it was reality around him or not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span> He was “woken up” by sounds from the hallway. There was the only door with a light behind it. He had no right to go there that late, it was just inappropriate, but sad short goodbyes at the morning seemed wrong, too. So he knocked on the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It opened slowly. Jimmy stood there in his undershirt and trousers that he probably didn’t put off after.. well, after these things.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Come in,” Jimmy said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas sat on his usual chair and finally felt it: he was sitting there so many times, but this one was the last. Clothes were on the bed, things for personal care on the desk, photographs and books on the floor by the suitcase. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Yeah, you may already know tha-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m sorry,” Thomas whispered. “I had to warn you first, I’m so sorry, Jimmy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “No, please, don’t be!” he whispered, too, but it sounded like a scream. “I was told about everything, I’m not blaming you, I’m glad you saved a life. There is nothing for you to be sorry about, please. Don’t make me feel worse with regrets, okay? Just help me to wrap these, alright?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took photographs, journals and cards, handed them to Thomas and started to pack socks. There was no need in someone’s help, but, maybe, Jimmy gave him something distracting, so things wouldn’t be too sad and awkward. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “What are you going to do now?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “Dunno,” Jimmy answered, clearly trying not to sound devastated. “I have only one option for a moment, even if it’s her.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “If that’s needed,” Thomas said, carefully wrapping the photo of a woman. “You need time now. And money, and reference. Just some save option until you find a good place.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was impossible to talk like that. Future was important, but Thomas wanted to tell Jimmy how much he’ll miss him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He packed everything too fast - too fast to pretend that they could be silent while being busy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy was still packing his clothes. Obviously, there were not </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>many costumes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Jimmy, I can’t,” Thomas said and threw his packed bag on the bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy sighed and put his tie back on the bed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I am upset. I really am. I don’t think, that words are necessary here,” Jimmy said louder than before, but not too loud to wake everyone. “I’ll miss my time here, my experience, our time together. I will really miss everything, you know it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And Thomas started to regret: it would be harder now to keep feelings and emotions away. He closed his eyes to concentrate on his words.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Yeah, I just,” he put his head back, looked at the ceiling. “I’ll miss..I’ll,” he took a deep breath.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas couldn’t blame Jimmy in one thing - he never let Thomas do or say too much when control was almost lost. He’d never just trailed him off because he didn’t want to hear it. That could be one of the reasons, yeah, but it always seemed like Jimmy wanted to calm him and convince, that their friendship was good enough to feel nice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stood at the first lost word, took something from the bag on the bed and came to Thomas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Hey, look,” he put the deck of cards in Thomas’ hands. “Here, I want you to have it. It’ll remind you of me. And it’ll help you to get along with a new footman.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas was too overwhelmed, so he decided not to deny the gift and not to say too much. He let Jimmy fix the situation.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Thanks,” he smiled as if nothing had happened.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “You go to bed. I’m almost done here,” Jimmy smiled back. “We’ll meet tomorrow, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And they parted at that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nothing special happened in the morning; Thomas walked around the downstairs with Jimmy, because he wanted to say goodbye to a few people. He asked Thomas to wait outside for a minute or two and went to the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, Thomas didn’t want to wait another five minutes after standing outside for ten minutes already, so he went inside and listened to the voices from the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I got it,” Margot said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t surprised: it would be strange if Jimmy would have spent all this time saying goodbye to Mrs Patmore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “I’ll be back then,” Jimmy said with a bit low voice. “I hope I’ll find people like you on my new place,” there was a sound of lips touching skin. Hand or cheek, perhaps. “But I doubt that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Few giggles, footsteps and Jimmy was already facing Thomas. Awkward, but bearable. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All-day was quiet, no one was wondering about Jimmy’s sudden withdrawal. It shocked Thomas, but, actually, he didn’t feel bad himself. He thought it would be hard to work normally after that, but he was okay.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And, of course,  that feeling was fading away as hours were passing by. At first, it wasn’t strange, because there were days when they were busy and barely talked to each other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But they saw each other anyway. And smoked together in the evening. And sat side by side at the dinner. It was so empty, even if Bates was right next to him at Jimmy’s spot. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “I know, that yesterday’s events could have made you all feel a little shock and tiredness, but I’m glad that everyone was productive today,” Mr Carson said. “Good to know, we all are stronger than some sudden incident.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Mr. Barrow, were you scared back then?” Daisy asked as she entered the room with a plate of vegetables.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Honestly, Thomas wasn’t listening to anything at the dinner, he was hoping, that no one would pay attention to the absence of his usual jokes and questions. So he didn’t even hear Daisy’s question for the third time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m sorry?” he said when he noticed everyone’s eyes concentrated on him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I was just wondering, what it felt like,” she continued “to save a lady from the fire.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Ah, this,” he tried to find words, but his head was empty. “It was breathtaking, I’d say.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He took his glass and drank all the water at one time. After that, he tapped the table with his fingers, clearly aware of everyone’s attention. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why are they doing this, why, why, why...</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Are you alright?” Anna asked. At least, not a hard question, thanks for that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Perfectly,” he answered and took his fork, but, unfortunately, his plate was already empty. He could feel the sweat on his temples.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “Mr. Barrow must have been tired from everything more than anyone here, we shouldn’t make him feel worse, should we?” Mrs Hughes was there as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “I agree,” Mr.Carson said, and it was a relief for a moment. “I’m sure saving a life in such a situation would make everyone feel tired and unusual for a while. There might be other reasons, of course, right, Mr. Barrow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That was it: raised eyebrows, intimidating glance, slightly tilted head. Carson wanted Thomas to hide his emotions because it would be inappropriate to show his feelings to other men during their dinner. He saw through him, he knew Thomas was hiding something.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas didn’t know what to say, so he was going to take a sip of water to win time, but he drunk it before. He could drop something, but everyone was looking, so it would be hard to fake an accident. Maybe, he should have just walked out of the room. He really felt like it. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why, why, why…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt someone’s presence behind his back. Then he saw a hand that was pouring water in his glass. He took his glass without thinking and started to drink really slowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “I think, Mr. Barrow did something really brave yesterday,” he almost choked. </span>
  <em>
    <span>What is she doing? </span>
  </em>
  <span>“I think, he deserves some calm now. But it would be interesting to listen to everything a bit later.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then there was a hand on his shoulder. It was more on the back of his shoulders, so, perhaps, no one noticed. It was supposed to feel soothing, but it was highly uncomfortable. He wanted to shake it off, he didn’t like the feeling of her touch. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Probably, he kissed this hand.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Fortunately, she stepped back. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was outside not so long after. Hands were shaking, cigarette felt really heavy. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Why, why, why...</span>
  </em>
  <span> Thomas was lost, was devastated, was sad, was...</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “Mr Barrow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>..was annoyed with her. Why did she care? Why was she always just around the corner to catch him alone? </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “Can I help you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Just go away, please,” he said with his clenched jaw. “you are the last person I want to see now.”</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was harsh, it wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t right after her help, but he didn’t want to see her any time soon. She stole so many moments he could’ve spent with Jimmy, she took his last kiss. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But she helped Thomas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would think of it later. He was too empty to care now.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>~Hope you enjoyed~<br/>something interesting is going to happen next time ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>enjoy :*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>It was another sleepless night for him, and he knew it wasn’t the last. He wasn’t thinking about anything particular: there were sudden dreams as if Jimmy hadn’t left, but then Thomas was repeating to himself that it wasn’t the truth. He felt cold even with a blanket over his head, even if it wasn’t the coldest time of the year. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It was cold in the morning, too. Water from the basin was freezing, the floor had the temperature below zero. He dressed as fast as he could and went down, but it wasn’t better there as well.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fortunately, no one was interested in him anymore, so he was eating slowly, but without appetite. He tried not to drop his head on the table, which wasn’t easy at all. His eyes were about to stay closed with every blink. He was afraid he might have dozed off, but he managed to sit still - God knows how.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was kindly invited to the butler’s pantry after breakfast. Mr. Carson offered him a seat, which wasn’t usual for Thomas because their conversations were always fast. It was strange, but having his legs pressed together and his arms crossed on his stomach made him feel a bit warmer. Mr. Carson didn’t pay any attention to his posture, perhaps, because he couldn’t see it behind the wide table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Mr. Barrow, I didn’t have a chance to tell you how impressed I was with your actions,” he started. “I really am, so..”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stopped and looked at Thomas more cautiously. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Are you feeling well? You look tired.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas straightened a bit, cleared his throat and put his palms on his knees. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Yes, I’m alright, thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Good to hear,” Mr. Carson wasn’t really interested, just some decency. “I’m glad people weren’t overwhelmed with anything, even if it’s a little strange that no one talks about James.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So the conversation was going that way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Yeah, a little,” he said. He didn’t want to let Mr. Carson make him feel guilty for anything. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “He must have been the life of the party. I didn’t even hear people talking about reasons for his leaving,” he looked at Thomas like he was just saying it, without accusing or asking. “To be honest, even </span>
  <em>
    <span>I</span>
  </em>
  <span> don’t know the reasons. Maybe, it’s not surprising, I didn’t know him well after all.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “Maybe.” He won’t say anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “That’s interesting, isn’t it? What could have possibly happened to make his Lordship make this decision?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “If only we knew,” he said. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>     “If only,” Mr. Carson repeated. “But the most important thing is that Lady Edith was rescued. You were in the gallery right in time, Mr. Barrow...”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That’s it, he is going to ask.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>      “..oh, but I don’t quite remember what I asked you to do there. What was it? Must have been a little task, I think.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, there was a knock on the door and it opened before butler could say a word.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>      “Mr. Carson, excuse me,” Mrs. Hughes said and noticed Thomas. “You seem to be busy here, I’ll come later”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Actually, Mrs. Hughes, I’d like you to stay,” he said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She looked at both of them again, as if trying to guess what they were discussing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Why, what’s the matter?” she asked with concern. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I was just saying that Mr. Barrow had been in the right place at the right time,” the butler said. Everything looked like Thomas wasn’t there or he was a kid who wouldn’t understand what adults were talking about. “And also we were regretting James’ leavi-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was interrupted by the sound of Mrs. Hughes’ clicking tongue. She rolled her eyes and became less calm than she was a minute ago.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Wouldn’t you be so kind and just let poor Mr. Barrow get over everything he went through?” she exclaimed. “Mr. Carson, I have some pressing issues for you to think about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She gave him a look that no one would want to get.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “If you say so, Mrs. Hughes,” Mr. Carson said with a raised eyebrow and didn’t stop looking at her. Then he wordlessly pointed to the door, and Thomas finally was outside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t feel cold anymore, but he felt like there were no organs inside of him. Or they were there, but they were all dry and dead. But, no, he felt his heart: it was heavy for some reason. Maybe there were too much blood (or not enough) in it, or other muscles and veins were weak, so his heart could fall at any moment. Other organs could fell down, too, and then shuffle all together, but would he pay any attention?</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was a tough day, he was resting on his favourite chair every time he had the chance to. He barked few times at Miss Baxter, missed his Lordship’s words </span>
  <em>
    <span>twice</span>
  </em>
  <span>, accidentally swore during the dinner for… Well, he lost count when Mr. Carson asked him to eat somewhere else and Mrs. Hughes wasn’t on his side this time. It wasn’t a big loss, he wasn’t hungry anyway. And he knew, he won’t be in the mood to have meals for a while.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He went to his room after having another cigarette. He was alright at first, read ten, or twenty, or.. more pages of his old book (he didn’t even look at the title). He wasn’t into this story, but he needed something distracting. He got up and noticed that his room was untidied. </span>
  <em>
    <span>How did it happen? </span>
  </em>
  <span>Not a big mess, just clothes on the chair, some papers on the floor, but still. He sighed and started to pick them all one by one when he suddenly saw the deck of cards on the drawer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clothes were on the floor again because hands held his goodbye gift instead. Wasn’t it nice of him? These cards will remind Thomas of his dear friend, as Jimmy said. He also said that it might help to strike up a conversation with new people.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But will there be any? And if people would come, would they like to become friends with him? He was working in this house for more than ten years, but he could count “friends” or “not enemies”, using fingers of one hand. And the only really close relationships were with Jimmy, but he wasn’t there. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was staring at the cards, and he felt a lump in his throat. He started to breathe hard through his nostrils like some wild animal. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas was never thinking about his loneliness with Jimmy by his side: he never realised that he didn’t have anyone except for him. He didn’t know who to talk to tomorrow, who to discuss the news with or who to have as a cover in arguments. Just no one at all.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>And he will be alone again because of some old unwanted woman.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>         “Bitch!” he yelled and threw cards to the ceiling. They all started to fall slowly and peacefully when his knees gave up and he roughly landed on the floor. Cards were like snowflakes - he felt cold again. He felt empty, too, and he couldn’t cry. His eyes were painfully dry, a lump in his throat blocked every noise. He didn’t let himself curl up on the floor because he pitied himself already. Truth to be told, he knew he wouldn’t be able to get up after sobbing on the floor that evening. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then there was a knock on the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Jimmy?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>No, of course, he knew, it wasn’t Jimmy. It couldn’t be him; moreover, he must have misheard something, and it wasn’t knock on </span>
  <em>
    <span>his </span>
  </em>
  <span>door. But then he heard it again. And again. He got up and tried not to expect his friend behind this door. It was hard and sad, he couldn’t even imagine his desperate and devastated face at that moment. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He opened the door and wanted to shut it immediately. He wanted to swear again first but decided not to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>         “I bet, Mrs. Patmore won’t be happy to see you on the men’s side at a late hour,” he blurted out and looked at the other doors. He was way taller than her, so he didn’t even low his head to look at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>         “She doesn’t care as long as the working day is over,” Margot said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>         “What do you need?” he asked through gritted teeth and looked right in her eyes. Wouldn’t it be fun to scare her away like that?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>         “I brought you this,” she answered without any enthusiasm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She handed him a covered dish. She pushed it into his hands, so he automatically took it, but he didn’t want to.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “And what is that?” He wasn’t going to have any gifts from her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Few biscuits.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was shocked: perhaps, she was interested in him. Why else would she bring him some sweets late at night? He wasn’t in a mood to pretend anything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “I don’t want, I don’t like you, okay?” he tried to give the plate back to her, but she hid her hands behind her back. “You can eat all of them by yourself and become uglier than you already are, I don’t care, just go away.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Mr. Barro-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Why are you doing this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She sighed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “He asked me to do this,” she said with lowered eyes. “Didn’t have time yesterday.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was only one “he” who she was possibly meaning. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “He didn’t really explain, but asked me to cook something to you,” she said. “And he said you love chocolate.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He </span>
  <em>
    <span>liked</span>
  </em>
  <span> chocolate, but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>loved</span>
  </em>
  <span> something else. He chuckled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “I don’t understand.” He didn’t believe her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “It might cheer you up, Mr. Barrow.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>        “Nonsense, I don’t need cheering up.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was lying, obviously, wasn’t she?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You do.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Why exactly would I want it, Margot?” He stepped forward and leaned in, so he was almost hissing in her face. He wasn’t too close, because of the plate between them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I have no idea,” she said without hesitating. “I think </span>
  <em>
    <span>you </span>
  </em>
  <span>know why.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And that was when he froze because of fear and shock instead of her. Words were echoing in his head, he forgot about her presence. Jimmy would never tell her about the story of their friendship, and her words were just coincidence, of course. He knew it, but it hit hard.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Mr. Barrow, you’re definitely not feeling well,” she said and tried to take him by his forearm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t hear that and turned around. He walked in his room, closed the door and put the plate on his bedside table. Then he collected cards and clothes, undressed, turned the lamp off and got into bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t crying hysterically. He curled up under his blanket and sobbed sometimes, but most of the time there were just silent tears. He turned his pillow a few times because it was too wet. Finally, he fell asleep somehow.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>       “Do you have a sweetheart?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Good afternoon to you, too, Daisy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was looking for his cup of tea in the kitchen where he must have forgotten it. They were alone in the room, Daisy was washing the dishes and she looked like she was going to explode because of curiosity.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, come on, tell me,” she was pleading.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You don’t need that, I can see through you,” he said calmly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Margot asked about that, and now I’m truly interested!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t even surprised, just annoyed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I doubt that it kind of information both of you have the right to know about.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Why?” she asked, pouting. “Anyway, that was not the only question about you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “What?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He sincerely disliked this new maid, how could that happen? Everything looked like she was falling for him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I thought she was in love with you, but..” she stopped, thinking.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “But?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I don’t know, she doesn’t look like a lovesick girl,” she said, “I don’t think she’s feeling that.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Yeah, you would know what a girl in love with me looks like,” he joked and laughed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Thomas!” she yelled but smiled, too. As long as she wasn’t in love with him, these type of jokes were allowed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Mr. Barrow, you mean,” he said when she splashed him with water.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t find his cup, but now he needed to change. It was.. fun, dare he think, so he didn’t mind.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was going up the stairs and thinking about everything. Perhaps, she was in love with him - that would explain everything. In that case, he could just talk to her and say that he doesn’t like her or something else, just to get rid of her. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But what if Daisy was right and she didn’t have any romantic feelings? If she was asking about him a lot and offered help for a dozen times, maybe she was seeking information about him. The young girl wasn’t dangerous at all, but she had her purposes, so he had to be careful with what he says and does.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Suddenly, he saw something shining on his way. He knelt to take it and was surprised to be holding a ring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It looked silver and had a small jewel. He wasn’t master in seeing the difference between real and fake, so he wasn’t sure if it belonged to one of the house’s Ladies or someone from downstairs. He put it in his pocket and decided to deal with it later when he heard some noises. He made his way up the stairs and almost bumped in Margot.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, sorry, Mr. Barrow!” she exclaimed with wide eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was her working time, so he had every right to ask questions.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “What are you doing here?” he asked. He was delighted to be able to cause her problems. “Mrs. Hughes wouldn’t be happy to know that you’re missing your working time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m not, I came up to change,” she said with a red face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “But what were you doing in the corridor so loudly?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I was looking for..” she stopped. “I missed something, but I’m getting back to work now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>That was interesting.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>       “What were you looking for?” He stood right in front of her, blocking her way. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Nothing special.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Margot! I need you right now, what are you doing there?” Mrs. Patmore shouted from the stairs. “Mr. Barrow, leave this girl alone, I can manage.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Of course, Mrs. Patmore.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d stepped to the right, and she went down.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>So it was her ring, obviously. But how the hell could she have that ring? </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was proud of himself because finally, he got something to play with. Who knows, what was that ring for?</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>NOW if someone thinks that I will make them a couple, don’t be afraid, I would never try to change Thomas and the way he loves, there would be no romance between him and Margot :)  It’s not a spoiler, I think - just in case, you know.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Chapter 6</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>take a step back, silly girl.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>:*</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>The room wasn’t too dark: Thomas prefered to wake up by the morning sun rays rather than by someone’s loud voice from the corridor. Besides, he didn’t like the idea of waking up in complete darkness in the middle of the night, so the curtains were never drawn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And also it was easier to look at the ring that he’d found a few days before. He was sitting in his bed and holding the jewellery in his hands. It wasn’t smart to waste sleeping hours like that, but he couldn’t fall asleep anyway. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This girl was quiet and glum in the previous days. He couldn’t make any theories yet, but, probably, she was just worried about her lost ring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But it didn’t fit her at all. All her clothes were simple, even casual; usually, it was she who made a fire, carried heavy jars or helped with easy things during the cooking process. Yes, she was doing all this dirty work with her head held high, but there is no way this ring was hers. She wasn’t able to buy it herself, so it had to be a gift from someone. But if there was some bloke, why would she show so much attention to Thomas? He has never even seen her wearing that ring, even during her days-off. It could be a gift, but not from a man; parents, maybe. Actually, no, her family wouldn’t have made her work in service, if they could afford these things. It was even stranger to imagine a working-class woman, dressed in a simple grey dress, hat and comfortable shoes, having </span>
  <em>
    <span>this bright and, obviously, expensive ring</span>
  </em>
  <span> on her finger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Oh, but wait. It could belong to someone else in the first place. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Of course, she’d stolen it. Why did it take him so long to come to that? She has never told anyone her personal information; she was always quiet, so no one could even think about her in case of theft. That was why she had been so stressed after losing this ring.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t quite know how to use it against her right now. He could inform the Lord’s family, so she’ll be sacked without a question. But wouldn’t it be fun to use it smarter? He could make her do anything he’d want - getting rid of him, at first.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Finally, he yawned and felt softness in his limbs, so he put the ring in his bedside table and covered himself with a blanket. It’s been so long since the last time he planned something like that; not like he missed it really, he liked to keep doing the work without any troubles, but now it was just another thing that may distract him from… well, from missing Jimmy. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But right before he fell asleep, he’d thought about the whole situation again. The young girl, having a stable job, stole her employer’s jewellery. Why? What possible reasons could there be? He’ll think about it tomorrow.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Tomorrow,” he murmured, before closing his eyes.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’d like to inform you that even if his Lordship’s family is spending tomorrow’s evening in London, and our help won’t be needed, you all shouldn’t loosen up today.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It felt good to have a day starting like this. Everyone knew that Mr. Carson never really minded young part’s of staff days of freedom, so it was even funny to hear him trying to stay serious and strict. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Why don’t we all go to the fair?” asked Mr. Bates, sitting next to Thomas. “I’ve heard about one.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Too many activities for you, I'm afraid,”  </span>
  <span>Thomas said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       "Thanks for your concern, Mr. Barrow," the man replied. "Without a doubt, young people will work well and will complete their tasks before that evening. They'll need some good time, right, Mr. Carson?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, Mr. Bates, I’m not sure about that,” the butler answered and took a sip of his tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Everyone knew that was a lie.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Hey.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He turned around and saw Daisy.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Are you going to the fair?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was asking himself the same question all day.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I don’t know yet.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Why? It’s been so long since the last one,” she said with a concerned look.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Why do you ask?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I thought that we could go together,” she replied. “I mean, with everyone, but I don’t know what I will be doing there on my own when we’re there”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Okay,” he sighed. “But don’t think that I have a lot of money.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She giggled and disappeared into the kitchen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to go to the fair, he just wasn’t sure about his feelings. Daisy said the right thing: it’s been really long since </span>
  <em>
    <span>that </span>
  </em>
  <span>fair. Too many memories, he might just not be able to handle with all of them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Seems like nothing has really changed since then, actually. Jimmy didn’t even talk to him on that day, and now there were no letters from him. Thomas hoped to get one, just to know where to send his letters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But this fair will be different, he will have Daisy by his side, and, hopefully, no one who would need protection. With these thoughts he slowly moved his feet, walking with the crowd of servants. The fair was far away, so they decided to take the bus. It seemed like the whole downstairs’ staff was there: from hall boys to Mr. Carson. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was windy at the bus stop, so Thomas was shivering and smoking from time to time. Daisy didn’t like the smell of the cigarettes and joined other groups of people to have a chat.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jimmy was one of the few who never really minded cigarette smoke. He was his company in that after relationships with Mrs. O’Brien had been ruined. Not only in that, in everything.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>No, he can’t go to that fair.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he looked up from the ground, he saw everyone getting into the bus. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Let’s go,” Daisy said, taking him by his arm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m sorry, I don’t feel well, I think,” he tried to sound convincing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, no, what’s wrong?” she asked, touching his forehead.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Nothing too serious, I just need a little nap, don’t worry,” he said and turned around to walk away without letting her answer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Why is that happening? After everything he’s been through, being parted with a “friend” shouldn’t be that tough. He didn’t have memories that he’d like to be real. They weren’t as close as he wanted.They didn’t have </span>
  <em>
    <span>anything </span>
  </em>
  <span>that he wanted.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t far away from the Downton, when he spotted her, leaving the post office. It was odd, he thought, she’d gone with everyone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Mr. Barrow?”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Great</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I think, you’re mistaking me for someone el-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He stopped as he suddenly felt the drop of the rain on his nose. Margot opened her umbrella and stepped closer.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You’re lucky I’m always ready for anything,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’d rather enjoy the walk on my own, actually.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You’ll get soaked, you know.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was truly tired of her attempts to get closer. If she wanted to get someone’s attention this way, she’d failed right at the beginning. But he didn’t want to catch a cold, besides, there were not that many possible paths, so it was better just to accept it. They’ve started to walk towards the Downton.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was the first to break the silence after a while:</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I thought, you’d gone with everyone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I thought so about you, too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “There are things to do, so I stayed. Why did you come back? I saw you leaving with Daisy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>She sees everything, doesn’t she?</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’ve decided to spend my time off quieter.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You’d enjoyed this fair with them. You can go back if you hurry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, I won’t be missed, I can assure you.” He regretted saying it immediately.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Was it self-doubt, Mr.Barrow?” She didn’t look at him, but raised the corner of her mouth.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Who said that? ‘s not my fault, they don’t appreciate what they’ve got.” And he made her giggle again. “What things do you have to do at evening, by the way?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He definitely asked the right question, judging by her facial expression.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “We all have a life out of work, don’t we?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “But you were at the post office. Mr. Bates asked everyone if they needed to send something, today’s morning, why didn’t you use the opportunity?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “If you are starving to know some dark secrets of mine, I’m afraid, you’ll be disappointed,” she said with a devious smile. “My reasons are pretty ordinary.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Luckily, the rest of their walking was wordless. It would have been hard anyway, the rain was pouring and noisy. He’ll find the way to learn something about her later.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The rain increased when they were at the back door. Margot lowered her umbrella and opened the door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Are you coming?” she asked, stepping inside.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Now I’ll finally have some time on my own if you don’t mind,” he said, lighting a cigarette.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She put her umbrella on the floor on the other side of the door and returned to Thomas.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Margot, either you go inside,” he said finally. It was harsher than he thought it’d be. “Or I do, and I think the bench over there might be not as comfortable as your bed to spend this night.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “There’s no need to bite me all the time,” she said with a slightly louder voice than she usually has. “I want to settle it now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Oh, </span>
  </em>
  <span>so she wants to say something about his behaviour? If only old Carson heard her now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Don’t get me wrong, I don’t demand anything,” she said after, as it seemed, rethinking the situation. “I just want to say I’m sorry.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He chuckled.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “About what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “About him.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He felt goosebumps on his skin. There was no need in feeling shocked, surely, she meant something else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’m afraid, you need to explain,” he replied with a small faked smile, failing to look calm.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Mr. Barrow, let’s not pretend that things are not the way they are. I know why you  don’t like me.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Margot, I don’t need a reason for it, I just do, and if you’re not going to leave me now, I’ll-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “He cared much for you, I know that!” she interrupted him with a desperate voice. “I know, you felt abandoned, but it wasn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> fault.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She couldn’t know, could she? She’s stupid, and Thomas is smart, he hid his feelings as best as he could, she couldn’t see through him. She’s stupid, daft, weird, annoying. </span>
  <em>
    <span>But mostly stupid, stupid, stupid…</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I don’t need you to be nice to me, but I’m sick of you, treating me like rubbish because Jimmy didn’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I have no idea, what are you talking about, creature, but I’m not going to listen to any of it anymore,” he hissed, as he came as close to her as he could until she was pressed to the wall. “Don’t you remember your position in this house?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Stop acting like the whole world is against you. Or it might become the truth.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wanted to punch her silly face, but, of course, he wouldn’t do that. Not just because she’s a girl, he didn’t like the idea of physical abuse itself. Words were far more graceful and even helpful from time to time.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Thomas stepped back, turned away and continued smoking. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “You’re the first one, who really fought back, you know,” he said. Maybe, to change the subject, maybe, for something else. It was true, anyway. Yes, there was poor William, but he didn’t do it right. Bates’ have pressed the right buttons, but with the lack of the force. Mr. Carson is out of the count, because he could whatever he wanted. Mrs. O’Brien’s became an enemy, but not a usual enemy, obviously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Well, I don’t want to fight with you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He heard her clicking heels and the closing door.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Will he respect her now? No. Will he think twice before speaking to her? Probably, yes. Of course, he didn’t change his opinion; the only thing, that’ll change, is that he is going to keep a huge distance between them: she’ll be the death for his nerves otherwise.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If she had really known about his feelings, he had to do something fast. She could use this information in different ways, even if she couldn’t be completely sure in its accuracy. This girl could cause him a real danger. Fortunately, the ring in his pocket could get her into troubles, too.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The dark sky and the sound of the falling drops were helping him to get his thoughts together. Helping, but not calming.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last time he stood there like that, trying to understand what to do next, was after that stupid kiss. Will every problem in his life have some connection with Jimmy?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>If only Jimmy were here. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>God, if only he were here.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Bless you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Thank you, Mrs. Bates.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He thought, he was alone in the corridor, so he decided not to hold back and sneeze as loud as he wanted. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Are you sure, you’re not coming down with a cold?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “I’ve never felt better in my life, thank you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They were one of the first ones at breakfast, which wasn’t very good because he could easily kill someone if he had to wait any longer for the cup of hot tea.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Either kitchen maids were completely fine with these conditions (the room was freezing), having their forearms bare, or Thomas actually got cold. It wouldn’t be surprising: he was standing outside, catching every raindrop, and pitying himself for almost half an hour after people had returned from the fair. Which meant, he was soaking wet for about two hours after the end of that awful conversation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Pity you weren’t with us yesterday,” Anna said, “the whole perimeter was covered with an awning, it was pretty cosy.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Pity,” he replied.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “We’ve won few interesting trinkets, I’d be happy to share them,” and then she leaned in and whispered, “drinks as well.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He’d grinned and they’d laughed, but it was interrupted with his cough. Mrs. Patmore moved the bowl with butter away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Mr. Barrow, you’ll be surprised, but I’d prefer your usual words, coming out of your mouth, than this.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, I agree, Mrs. Patmore,” said Mrs, Hughes, as she and Mr. Carson entered the room. Then she put her hand on his forehead. “My, my, your skin is hotter than the oven. You’d better go to your bed, dear.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “But, Mrs. Hughes,” he started.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Mr. Barrow, we’ll manage today, unless you want to make his Lordship's family sick, too,” Mr. Carson replied. He was right, truth to be told.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “No, Mr. Carson, I wouldn’t want to,” he said and sat down on his chair, “I’ll just take my tea.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Don’t worry, we’ll fetch it to you.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He would have been lying, if he said, it wasn’t a relief to lie down on these sheets. He’d put on his warmest pyjamas, but he was still shaking. Then he heard the knock.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Here’s your tea, Mr. Barrow,” said Mr. Carson and put the cup on Thomas’ bedside table.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Thank you, but I’m sure there’ll be someone else free, I wouldn’t like to take your time.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>       “Oh, don’t worry about that,” replied man, having one foot in the corridor already. “This maid, Margot, will take care of you in the next few days.”</span>
</p><p><br/>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey, guys!<br/>I'M SO SORRY for this delay. I'm graduating from school, so I have 30129348 exams and I'm extremely stressed. But this little fic makes me feel better, even if I only right one sentence per day. I will complete this work, so no worries :)<br/>(It's just the question of time)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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